Let's try to speak and understand English

[Nobby]

 A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and
inform the other of the afterlife. The biggest fear was that there
was no heaven.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his
word, he made contact.

"Mary...Mary...."

"Is that you, Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, I have
sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice. I have lunch, then sex
pretty much all afternoon. After supper, I have sex until late at
night.

The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm in my afterlife ........ as a rabbit in Kansas."

 
(Diese Nachricht wurde am 16.08.01 um 18:39 von Nobby geändert.)

[starfish]

*lach* zum Glück haben mich meine Englisch Kenntnisse noch nicht verlassen!

Gibt's mehr von der Sorte??

[crazyshark]

suuuuuuper!!
Das gefällt mir!
Wo ist das her? (link???)

danke für die kleine aufheiterung zwischendurch!

[Nobby]

"Inner Strength"
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then...........

....you are probably a cat or a dog.

[Alex]

That's fun, I enjoyed reading it.

Thank you Nobby

Alex

[Hasi]

Da hätte ich auch noch einen...

A Japanese tourist hailed a taxi in downtown Chicago and asked to be taken to the O'Hare Airport.

On the way, a car zoomed by and the tourist responded, "Ohhh! TOYOTA!! Made in Japan!! Very fast!"

Not too long afterward, another car flew by the taxi.

"Ohh! NISSAN!! Made in Japan!! Very fast!"

Yet another car zipped by, and the tourist said, "Ohh! Mitsubishi!! Made in Japan!! Very fast!"

The taxi driver, who was 100% American, was starting to get a little miffed that the Japanese made cars were passing his Chevy, when yet another car passed the taxi as they were turning into the airport.

"Ohh! Honda!! Made in Japan!! Very fast!"

The taxi driver stopped the car, pointed to the meter, and said, "That'll be $150."

"$150? It was so short a ride! Why so much?"

"Taxi meter. Made in Japan. Very fast."

[Charly]

Hallo Hasi,
schöner Witz von der Taxi-Fahrt.
Übrigens sind fast alle Taxi driver in Chicago aus Pakistan, wie ich gerade vorletzte Woche festgestellt habe. Die hatten alle das Radio im Wagen an, um sich zu informieren wie es mit dem Terroranschlag weiter geht.

[FrankD]

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,
Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom & stayed there.

Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately
ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung
himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

[Nobby]

Hallo together,

Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with Paddy the Pilot, and Shamus the co-pilot.
As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window.
"B'jeesus" said Paddy "Will ye look at how short dat runway is".
"You're not kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus.
"Dis is gonna be one of de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see", said  Paddy.
"You're not kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus.
"Right Shamus. When I give de signal, you put de engines in "reverse" said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.
"And den, ye put de flaps down straight away", said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat", replied Shamus.
"And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can", said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat", replied Shamus.
"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy.
"I be doing dat already" replied Shamus.

So they approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul. Amidst roaring engines, Squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board.
As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Shamus "Dat has gotta be de shortest runway I have EVER seen in me whole life".

Shamus looked out the side window and replied......."Yeah Paddy, but look how Wide it is".!!!

[Nobby]

Hi together,

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping and pitch their tent under the stars.
During the night, Holmes wakes Watson and says: "Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce."
Watson says: "I see millions of stars, and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

Holmes replies: "Watson, you idiot. Somebody stole our tent." :O :O

 
(Diese Nachricht wurde am 20.12.01 um 18:46 von Nobby geändert.)

[Peter]

So einer für den Notfall mit dem WoMo:
Stopped by the Highway Patrol

A police officer pulls a RVer in a class C over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

RVer: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this motorhome?

RVer: It's not my motorhome. I stole it.

Officer: The motorhome is stolen?

RVer: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

RVer: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this motorhome and stuffed her in an outside storage compartment.

Officer: There's a BODY in an outside storage compartment?!?!?

RVer: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Sergeant . The motorhome was quickly surrounded by police, and the Sergeant approached the RVer to handle the tense situation:

Sergeant : Sir, can I see your license?

RVer: Sure. Here it is. (It was valid).

Sergeant : Who's motorhome is this?

RVer: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. (The driver owned the motorhome).

Sergeant : Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

RVer: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. (Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box).

Sergeant : Would you mind opening your outside storage compartments? I was told you said there's a body in one of them.

RVer: No problem. (All compartments are opened; no body).

Sergeant : I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the motorhome, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in one of the outside storage compartments.

RVer: Yeah, I'll bet the lying "son of a bisquit eater" told you I was speeding, too

[Bignosebird]

The Energy Efficiency Expert
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table.
The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here
carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency
Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

[Alex]

 Big SMMMMMMIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEE

[Britta]

Und bei mir gab es gerade Suppe zum Lunch!

[Nobby]

Hallo Britta,

hatte der Kellner 'ne schief sitzende Fliege. ???