Let's try to speak and understand English

[Peter]

Prost Mahlzeit sag ich da nur.

Nie wieder SUppe, wenn der Kellner ne Fliege hat.

Der passt dazu:

A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner. As he looks around, he notices a diner being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle. When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish. The waiter explains that the meatballs are bull's testicles, and when the bull loses the bullfight, the bull is brought to the restaurant, and this beautiful dish is made.
The diner tells the waiter that he wants the bulls testicles for dinner, but the waiter tells him that only one bull a day is brought to the restaurant, but he can have it tommorrow. The diner agrees. The next day the diner goes to the restaurant, and orders the testicle dish. When his food is brought out, he notices that the meatballs are extremely small. He mentions this to the waiter, and the waiter replies, ''Well sir you have to understand, sometimes the bull wins''.

[starfish]

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.
Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes," said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

Man kann nicht immer gewinnen...

[Thomas]

Giant steps are what you take....

This is an oddly funny, but true story about Neil Armstrong:

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.

Just before he re-entered the lander, however he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

Just a few  years ago, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL)while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old  question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil  Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a flyball which landed in the front of his neighbours bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.   As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! "You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

This is a confirmed true story.

[Nobby]

Hallo zusammen,

on the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to field with
the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk
to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow
said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let
me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door
of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.I will give you
a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking.
Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed.

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do
monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."
Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so.
Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed
again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex,
enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years." Man
said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my
twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten
monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"

Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex,
enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to
support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain
our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house
and bark at everybody.

Life has now been explained.

[heinzla]

Hi!!!

Ich möchte sofort wieder in Stufe 1 zurückversetzt werden ;D ;D ;D

Was Du zu nachtschlafender Zeit schon so alles zustande bringst - erstaunlich

Gruß

Heinzla

[arizona]

@Nobby

Gestern nach 22:00 Uhr noch im Chat.

Heute um 5:39 Uhr schon so was...

Wann schläft du eigentlich? ;D ;D ;D

gruss
arizona

[Claudia]

Now it´s my turn:

As you may or may not have heard, the current CEO of Northwest Airlines soon will be moving to Burger King. Expect some interesting changes in the way Burger King is doing business:

·    The price of a "Whopper" will become one of the great mysteries of our times. Not only will it vary vastly from one town to the next, even from one street to the next, it will also be heavily dependent on the time of day you intend to eat and the time span between placing the order and actually eating your meal. Orders placed two weeks in advance generally yield the cheapest prices.

·    The size of a meal will be completely unrelated to it's cost. An order of french fries will far exceed the cost of a supersized "Whopper Meal". Ordering the "Whopper Meal" and dumping everything except the fries to save money will become a federal offense.

·    The possibility that the person sitting next to you paid exactly the same amount for his "Whopper Meal" than you paid for yours is "0".

·    "Stop-Over" meals: You will get heavily discounted meals, if you pick up your hamburger at, say, the Telegraph Road location, and your fries and softdrinks at the Southfield Road location. This strategy allows Burger King to keep their less utilized locations humming, and it can pass the savings on to their customers. This will lead some ingenious customers to come up with the concept of:
"Back-to-Back" meals: You always have two "stop-over" orders from two different locations running. You pick up your fries from one "stop-over" meal together with your burger from the other at the same location. Burger King will soon detect the ploy and outlaw it.

·    Order delays will become quite the norm, and will mostly be out of Burger King's direct control. For delays longer than 4 hours, beds will be made available at select locations. The cooks and counter personnel will have no idea about when your order will be done, so don't bother asking.

·     "Drive Through" lines will reach biblical proportions, and some cities (like New York, Chicago and Atlanta) will become infamous for delays. Burger King will blame an antiquated road system for the problems, and demand that the federal government take action. Traffic control
handlers will become necessary - strikes, and threads thereof, among traffic control handlers will not help the "drive-through" line situation.

·    Burger King food preparation equipment will become highly sophisticated, requiring a high degree of maintenance. Unscheduled maintenance activities will add to delays, your food orders may get cancelled! Burger King will, however, make every effort to fulfill you
order at a later time, or rebook it to the McDonald's down the road.
Strikes, and threads thereof, among maintenance workers will maintain consistent "drive-through" lines.

·    Burger King may "overbook" some restaurants routinely, i.e. accepting far more orders than they can handle. You will be asked to forfeit your order against an undisclosed $ amount, and a meal at a later time.

·    Cooks may invite younger customers behind the cooking plates to show them all the controls and tell-tales.

·    Cooks' salaries will experience a sharp increase  although theoretically, the new, highly sophisticated cooking plates could flip the burgers automatically, cooks will insist that their role is crucial for the
safety of the eaters. Strikes, and threads thereof, among the cooks will keep the "drive-through" lines at record levels. Especially Christmas time will become notorious among Burger King customers!

·    Cooks will use an intercom system to inform customers of details of their order, which might sound interesting to novice eaters, but will prove
to be rather irrelevant. Examples are "Estimated Time of Order Accomplishment" (ETOA), number of the cooking plate they are going to use, and temperature thereof. They can also inform customers when they can
expect to leave the "drive-through" line (like "you are number 25 for departure" - especially at certain New York locations, this number will reach astonishing levels).

·    Behind-the-counter personnel will become notoriously unfriendly. In turn, they will be yelled at by customers, who demand to see the supervisor. Supervisors, although their names are posted at each location, will become obsolete and therefore never available. Strikes, and threads thereof, among the counter personnel will keep the "drive-through" lines
alive and well.

·    Never take a bag or similar to a Burger King restaurant, it has a good chance of getting lost. You will then be required to stand in a long line to fill out paperwork. The good news is that the missing bags are usually found, and returned to you within 24 hours. The bad news is this might happen in the middle of the night.

·    Fire drills will become a mandatory routine at every visit, which you will be confronted with, no matter how often you ate at a Burger King before. You will become very familiar with the use of oxygen masks dropping
of the restaurant ceiling in the unlikely event of a loss in building pressure. In restaurants next to oceans and larger lakes, seat cushions may be used as floatation devices.

·    Electronic devices may not be used in the restaurants at any times, as they may interfere with the french fryer's temperature- and timer control system.

·    The quality of the food will actually improve. Alcoholic beverages will be served, free of charge in the first three seating rows of the restaurants. Peanuts will be served with every meal, like it or not. Pretzels will be offered as an alternative, but the restaurant will usually
be out of them.

·    Burger King will create a "frequent eater" program, in which customers can earn "calories" towards free meals. "Calories" will never expire, however, it will become very challenging to redeem the "calories" against actual meals. Black-out dates and limited availability will be implemented. It will be relatively easy to place an order for the Burger King in Sioux
Falls (unless you live there) in February, but absolutely impossible to get one in your home town on Thanksgiving. The good news is that you will be
able to donate "calories" you'll receive 500 bonus calories for every 5000 calories donated (quite the deal?).

·    Snow storms will bring "drive-through" lines to a stand-still. Waiting eaters will be trapped in their cars, unable to leave the lines. A storm in Atlanta can affect your order in Detroit - Burger King is still working on
a plausible explanation.

·    Parking at and around Burger King restaurants will become sparse - ingenious business people will start shuttle services from surrounding parking areas. Fees are expected to be reasonable at most locations.

·    Burger King will enter into "alliances" with other fast food chains. "Order Sharing" will be possible - it will allow you to wait at different restaurants to complete a single order. Also, lost bags can be traced from
one chain to the next. A Dutch partner of Burger King will become very effective in losing your bags while you wait at their Amsterdam location for a connecting order of french fries.

·    Due to the popularity of "drive-through" lines, they will become potential targets of terrorist attacks. Metal detectors will be installed, and customers will be required to stand in line to be scanned before they
can stand in line to wait for their orders.

·    Electronic order placing and - handling will make the process far more convenient for the customers. You will not need a hardcopy of an order anymore to be allowed to eat your meal. Burger King will predict that, at
some time in the not-so-distant future, you can actually walk up to any counter at any location, name your choice, read a standard price of a chart, pay, eat and leave - but, wait a minute?

[Claudia]

Another one: THE IMPORTANCE OF USING THE CORRECT E-MAIL ADDRESS

It seems  there was this couple from Minneapolis Minnesota who decided to go to Florida  for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter. Because both  of them worked, they had some difficulty coordinating travel schedules. They  finally decided that the husband would leave for Florida on a certain day and  the wife would follow him the day after. The man made  it down to Florida as planned and went directly to his hotel. Once in his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife, who was still back in  Minnesota, an e-mail. However, he accidentally left off one letter in typing his wife's e-mail address and sent the e-mail off without realizing his  error.  
In another part of the country a widow had just  returned from the funeral of her husband, a Lutheran Pastor of many years, who had been  " called home to glory " just a few days earlier. She decided to check her e-mail because she was expecting to hear from her husband's relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor. The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother lying on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and  saw the following:
To:      My Loving Wife
Subject:      I've  arrived!
I've just checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!  
Your  Devoted Husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.

[Andrea]

WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY


Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say
"Happy Birthday", and probably have a present for me.

She didn't even say "Good morning", let alone "Happy Birthday". I thought, "Well,that's wives for you. The children will remember."

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday." I felt a little better, at least someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, its such a beautiful day outside and its your birthday, Let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day, let's go."

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not."
She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment, she says, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying, a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends.

All were singing Happy Birthday........and there on the couch I was sitting...
naked!

[Andrea]

"To be is to do" -  Socrates
"To do is to be" - Jean-Paul Sartre
"Do be do be do" - Frank  Sinatra

[Andrea]

An airplane was about to crash, and there were 5 passengers left, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger, George W. Bush said, "I am President of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300
million people, and a superpower. I am also the smartest president ever."
So he takes the first parachute, and jumps out of the plane.

The second passenger, said, "I'm Antoine Walker, one of the best NBA Basketball players, and the Boston Celtics need me, so I can't afford to die." So he takes the second parachute, and leaves the plane.

The third passenger, Hillary Clinton, said "I am a mother, the wife of the former President of the United States, and I am New York's Senator."
So she takes the third parachute and exits the plane.

The fourth passenger, the Old man, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year old boy scout, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, so as a Christian gesture and a good deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The boy scout said, "It's okay, there's a parachute left for you. The world's smartest president took my  backpack."  

[Cowgirl]

ohne Worte...

[Cowgirl]

[Cowgirl]

How to medicate cats and dogs      

CAT

1.  Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gentle apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As the cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2.  Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3.  Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4.  Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5.  Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6.  Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and vigorously rub cat's throat.

7.  Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8.  Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9.  Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10.  Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11.  Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12.  Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13.  Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14.  Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15.  Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


DOG

1.  Wrap pill in bacon, cheese or peanut butter. Make him beg.

 

[Anoka]

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.


After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.


Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"


Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head "No".

"Well then", she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?".

Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."