Let's try to speak and understand English

[America_Crazy]

Ein kleiner Witz über Microsoft:
PS: Der Witz mit dem Fallschirm/Rucksack und Mr. Bush fand ich sehr amüsant. Ich möchte jedoch nicht mehr darüber sagen  

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an
electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic
navigation and communications equipment.  Due to the clouds and haze,
the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to
steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a
handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window.  The pilot's
sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.  People in the tall building
quickly responded to the aircraft,  drew a large sign, and held it in a
building window.  Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to
steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.  After they were on the
ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER"
sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building
because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct
but completely useless answer."

Grüße

[americanhero]

So, then I will continue and will post something in this English speakin´thread. I was wondering while nearly everything here being written were jokes, so no one has an idea what else to write in English?
So I will start my first post in this English thread with a joke, too.
My american cousin told it to me some years ago.


Bush´s White House Tour


Before the inauguration, George W. was invited to a "get aquainted" tour of the White House.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal!
That afternoon, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when Ia m President, I´ll have my own personal gold urinal!"
Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President`s private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evenig, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said: "Well, I found out who peed in your saxophone."
 

[mrh400]

Hallo,

anbei ein Sprachspiel der besonderen Art (alles habe ich auch noch nicht überrissen)

Subject: New words/meanings

  The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to
  take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
  changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

  Here are this year's 2005 winners:

  1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
  subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

  2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

  3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts
  until you realize it was your money to start with.

  4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

  5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
  bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,
  shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

  6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose
  of getting laid.

  7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

  8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
  person who doesn't get it.

  9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running  late.

  10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

  11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

  12. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all
  these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes
  and  it's like, a serious bummer.

  13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
  consuming only things that are good for you.

  14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

  15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
  when they come at you rapidly.

  16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
  you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

  17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets
  into  your bed! room at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

  18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm
  in the fruit you're eating.